Dear England, Love, Polish Vermin


Dear England

Forgive me for taking some of your valuable time as you agonise over your destiny and your future. Existential crises are tough; I know, I have them all the time. I just wanted to write a few words regarding this little laminated card some courageous and imaginative political soul has allegedly distributed around Huntingdon, in Cambridgeshire. The news has now made its way around the world, hence my letter. I’m not writing from England, or from Poland, or indeed from anywhere within the European Union, but from Australia. Australia is a small country on the other side of the world, which you have on occasions used in the past to deposit your own English vermin. No harm done; their descendants have turned out to be pretty cool people, who have welcomed me here almost 30 years ago. So I don’t have a skin in this game, except for the fact that I was born in Poland myself, and I consider England, or more broadly the United Kingdom, as a spiritual home of sorts on the account of your political contribution to the world; you know, liberty, democracy, rule of law, constitutionalism, classical liberalism, free market. Anyway, as I said, a few quick points:

1) A tiny laminated card? What on God’s Earth is that? This is no way to campaign; it’s an amateur hour. Take it from me, I’ve worked in politics for a long time; you either go for a paper or card leaflet for the ease of production or distribution, or if you want your message to have a more durable presence, go for a fridge magnet. What the hell is anyone supposed to do with a laminated card a tad bigger than a credit card? Your choice of the medium, combined with a laughable use of Google Translate to render your message unintelligible in Polish, leads me to believe you are a sad and isolated nutcase rather than a part of some well-organised campaign.

2) The unconsoled and inconsolable Remain folk at the Guardian, the Independent, BBC and throughout the social media have been busy trying to use this and a number of other incidents around the UK to either smear the Leave campaign itself as the hotbed of racism, bigotry and xenophobia, or at least to blame it for legitimising and unleashing the undercurrent of prejudice which has previously lay dormant in the British society. There are racists and bigots in every country, and I don’t think there are more or fewer of them in the UK than in any other comparable country, just as I don’t think there are numerically many of them altogether. I know you Remain people are pretty bitter and angry at the plebs who did not do what was expected of them at the ballot box, but demonising over 17 million of your fellow countrymen and women not only doesn’t work, it also makes you look even more like out-of-touch tossers. How about a Venn diagram of those outraged by incidents like this and those who consider millions of their fellow Brits ignorant and bigoted vermin who should just die or at least have their voting rights taken away from them.

3) Immigration, whether temporary or permanent, and multiculturalism are controversial topics. I know, I’m an Australian. I believe every sovereign country has not only the right but the responsibility to control its borders. As one of our great former Prime Ministers once famously said, “We will decide who comes to this country and the circumstances in which they come”. This is true for Australia, this is true for Great Britain, as it is for Poland, for the United States, and for any other country. There are some trendies who think that borders are an antiquated concept and we should all just hold hands and sing the proverbial Kumbaya (but without the “my Lord” part; God’s not cool anymore). They’re wrong. Migration is a privilege not a right, multiculturalism is a choice not a societal suicide pact, and immigration policy has to serve the national interest and not the moral vanity of the sophisticates. So as a sovereign country you have every right to decide who you want to invite in, in what numbers, and under what circumstances.

4) Having said that, if Poles are your bee of choice in your bonnet than you have a real problem. I know that in terms of raw numbers you have over the past dozen years welcomed a significant number of my former compatriots, though that significant number has also significantly declined in recent years. In any case, by and large (there are of course exceptions, there always are), your Polish guests share a similar culture, are educated, law-abiding and hardworking. They want to fit in, and they come to contribute rather than sponge off your welfare system. What I’m trying to say is that if you’re going to have any migrants, Poles are exactly the kind that you want. We’ll cut your hair, fix your pipes and won’t blow ourselves (and yourself) up on the underground. And our women look spectacular without burqa.

5) I love history, but I’m not going to play all the sentimental cards like “Remember all those brave Polish pilots who fought in the Battle of Britain and stood by you in your darkest hour?” or indeed “Remember why you went to war in the first place (and then left on the other side of the Iron Curtain)?” The rights and wrong of history are in the past. I, for one, don’t believe that Great Britain owes Poland anything, just like Poland doesn’t owe Great Britain anything either. What matters now is the present, and our ability to mutually benefit and enrich each other, in all senses of the word.

So, thank you for your time. When you all calm down, come and visit us Down Under. Don’t worry, we won’t deport you.

Lots of love

Arthur Chrenkoff

Your friendly Polish Vermin

P.S. Sorry that you got your ass handed back to you by Iceland.