If hurricanes were named after politicians


August is the peak hurricane season over the Atlantic. As I’m writing these words, Weather.com reports that “Tropical Storm Earl Strengthens in the Caribbean; Hurricane Warnings Issued”. What sort of a lame-ass name for a hurricane is Earl? It’s Time to Make Hurricanes Great Again – by naming them after politicians. Below are a few suggestions of what we could expect:

Hurricane Donald – Huge. The best and the biggest hurricane in history. Originally a tornado but reclassified itself as a hurricane. A disaster known as a short-fingered “hand of God”, and by others simply as a shitstorm. Its erratic course and frequent reverses baffle meteorologists. Unpredictably destructive and hair-raising. Has a strong affinity with a Siberian snow storm. Generally avoids the Gulf of Mexico, though has been known in the past to sweep illegal migrants into its hotels, and clothes off foreign models.

Hurricane Hillary – Claims to be the first hurricane to be given a female name. For years better known for its association with a larger Hurricane Bill, the only major hurricane more renowned for getting blown rather than blowing. In addition to all the standard property damage, Hurricane Hillary’s strong gusts of wind can also mysteriously cause computer hard drives to be wiped.

Hurricane Marco – Resulting from a tropical depression over Cuba. Makes big impact in Florida but overshadowed by bigger hurricanes everywhere else.

Hurricane Carly – Initially designated as one to closely monitor, after causing widespread damage at the Hewlett-Packard corporate headquarters, in fact it dissipated very quickly.

Hurricane Barack – Generally believed to have started as a minor weather event over Hawaii, though some rogue meteorologists believe it originated over Africa. Gathered strength around the Windy City before leaving on a path of destruction across the United States and abroad. The first hurricane to promise that minorities won’t be the hardest hit by its impact.

Hurricane Bernie – This hurricane, initially thought harmless, has been decades in the making but very quickly escalated into a major weather event threatening to rain on Hurricane Hillary’s parade. Plans to selectively hit hardest the wealthy and big business, blowing away their piles of money and scattering dollar bills over the poor areas of the United States. Reversing the natural order of weather phenomenon, it has turned from a hurricane into a depression.

Hurricane W – The only hurricane to be blamed for another hurricane. Also widely blamed for just about any other damage anywhere else in the world, even long after it dissipated over Texas.

And for the Australian storm-chasers:

Cyclone Kevin – Its ambitions to become a major international natural disaster have recently been dashed in a head-on collision with an otherwise kindred Cyclone Malcolm. Originally a small storm in Queensland and later a typhoon over the South China Sea, having changed its direction and returned to the Australian mainland it has caused widespread and indiscriminate damage. The proponents of the Emissions Trading Scheme argued the scheme will stop climate change, and indeed it caused a fast downgrade of Cyclone Kevin from a Category 5 to a mild breeze. The only cyclone to come back for the second round of destruction.