No, Russia did not hack the election


OK people; I’m looking at you, Democrats, and your cheer squad in the media in particular. I know you keep talking about the election being hacked because it muddies the waters and brings up the emotive images of voter fraud, stolen ballots and wrong outcomes. If you can’t win the actual election then the least you can do is to delegitimise the process, the result and the winner. I understand all that. But please stop. You’re bullshitting and you know it. It might make you feel better, like it did in 2000, but it’s not going to change the outcome and will merely serve to further erode the public trust in government and its institutions, and that means in you too.

So repeat after me: Russia-did-not-hack-the-election. No one actually hacked into voting machines or tallying computers and switched votes from Hillary to Trump. What the Russians most likely did is hack various private email accounts and release the contents, which showed the Democratic Party elite to be a bunch of assholes, corrupt cronyists, out-of-touch hyprocrites, and insufferable martinets. What you are really saying is that you lost the election because the voters learned the unvarnished and indisputable truth about you, all in your own words. This is like Nixon blaming his political demise on the Watergate committee and his tape recorder. Maybe if you had run with a cleaner, more electable candidate Рwhich is basically anyone else Рit would not have mattered even if the Russians leaked the photos of John Podesta doing body shots of semen martini off Lena Dunham onboard the Lolita Express.

And no, all that does not mean I’m a Putin stooge. In fact, it’s very nice of you to finally care about Russia. Vlad has spent the past eight years under your watch invading Ukraine, blowing the shit out of Syria, cyberattacking the Baltics, rattling the saber against our NATO allies in the Eastern Europe, and basically giving aid and comfort to all of our enemies and competitors around the world, but God forbid she should read Hillary’s yoga schedule! We on the right have been trying to tell you for years to take Putin seriously. Instead the Obama years will be remembered for being bookended by Hillary gifting the Reset button and Vlad pressing the Send button.

By the way, the 80s wanted me to pass a message onto you: please stop calling them and leaving all the pleading voicemails; you can’t have their foreign policy; you don’t deserve it.