Of witches, Trump, and losing respect for Lana Del Rey


The window of The Daily Chrenk media empire headquarters opens into the suburban Wooloowin, and this morning a strong scent of incense is wafting in. A Facebook friend suggested perhaps it’s witches. It could be, because last night (Australian time; still to come throughout the rest of the world) was the first of the nights of rituals scheduled by witches worldwide to cast a spell against Donald Trump.

Yep, that’s right.

Among the objects required to complete this spell are an unflattering photo of Trump, a tiny orange candle, a Tower tarot card and bowls of water and salt.

There must also be a pin, which is used to carve Trump’s name on the candle.

Once that first step is complete, the aforementioned items should be arranged around the individual in a pleasing position along with a feather, a white candle and an ashtray or dish filled with sand.

From there, a prayer for protection should be said by all participants before they launch into the chant.

Then it is time to launch into the chant, which was allegedly created by a member of a private magical order.

In one refrain, the witches must chant: ‘I call upon you / To bind / Donald J. Trump / So that he may fail utterly / That he may do no harm/To any human soul.’

The second verse tackles a different issues, with the lines: ‘Bind him so that he shall not break our polity / Usurp our liberty / Or fill our minds with hate, confusion, fear, or despair.’

President Trump’s supporters are also wrapped into the chant.

‘Bind them in chains / Bind their tongues / Bind their works / Bind their wickedness,’ sing the women and men, who at this point are told to take the orange candle and light President Trump’s photo on fire.

To close things out the phrase ‘So mote it be!’ is repeated three times and the candle blown out.

It is important that while blowing out the person is ‘visualizing Trump blowing apart into dust or ash.’

Witches are then ordered to ground themselves after the ritual before disposing of the candle.

Apparently, these rituals will be taking place monthly, “every Friday of the crescent moon” until Trump is forced out of office. So if the POTUS does blow apart into dust, now you know why.

Lana Del Rey, my favourite sadcore songstress, just dropped her new single a few days ago, and it’s pretty gorgeous – and much better than most of her stuff since the debut album:

 And then I saw this:


Really? How could you, Lana?

Celebrities are insane. Burn them at the stake.