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Who’s your mummy? Who’s your daddy? World leaders and their missile envy

Feminists are right; there is something phallic about bombs and missiles, and something very guy-esque about the fascination with their, ahem, size, penetration ability, and explosive power. If you enter the locker room of world politics right now, you will see Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un nonchalantly letting it all hang out in order to impress and intimidate their rivals.

Trump accidentally-on-purpose dropped his towel first, revealing Mother Of All Bombs. To be fair to MOAB that’s not her (what is the gender of a bomb, as a I don’t want to assume it?) real name but a play on the abbreviation of Massive Ordnance Air Blast. All the feminists who are screaming that the US military is insulting mothers, can blame Saddam Hussein who was the first to introduce mum to warfare, with his Mother Of All Battles (it wasn’t and she wasn’t). MOAB packs about 8,000 kg of explosives and has been developed to destroy hard to access places like caves and tunnels.

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America’s Mother, however, is not the biggest in the arsenal. That distinction goes to Massive Ordnance Penetrator or MOP. While MOAB explodes just above ground, MOP, as the name suggests, penetrates the ground, and can allegedly (it has not been tasted in war conditions yet) take out underground military bunkers.

Russia has a more patriarchal culture, so their largest conventional bomb is called Father Of All Bombs. As the Russian media gleefully reminded us after this week’s MOAB action, FOAB, while smaller in size, is said to pack four times the explosive power of MOAB. Since Putin has no intention of being measured in public, we only have his say-so for the boastful claim.

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Not happy at being left out from the discussion of how well hung one’s arsenal is, Kim Jong Un decided to unveil what is possibly a new ballistic missile during a two-hour military parade to celebrate the 105th birthday of his grandfather, Kim Il Sung, the founder of this dynasty of crazy communist tyrants. Don’t be deceived by its look like a giant camouflaged vibrator (don’t use in the bush as you might never find it again); this monstrous Nork dildo can potentially fly far enough to hit the United States. Enough to give one some major missile envy.

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While Kim might have impressed military observers with size and alleged potency, his performance yesterday disappointed:

U.S. Pacific Command detected and tracked what it assessed to be a North Korean ballistic missile launch at 11:21 a.m. Hawaii time (1721 ET) on Saturday, said U.S. Navy Commander Dave Benham, a spokesman for U.S. Pacific Command.

“The missile blew up almost immediately,” Benham said. “The type of missile is still being assessed.”

It’s hardly the first time that Kim blew his payload very quickly. For all the impressive photos, other world leaders in the locker room might soon start suspecting that when it comes to the deed, Kim suffers from both projectile dysfunction and premature detonation.

Dear Kim, there is nothing to be ashamed of. This day and age all it takes is a simple nose spray before the launch.

For the sake of world peace I hope the nose spray is made out of sarin.

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