You might have heard that “tis a season to be jolly”. Don’t be misled and lulled into a false sense of security. Christmas or “Holidays” is a potential minefield for every right-thinking (i.e. left-thinking) individual. The night might be silent, but it’s important that you stay continually woke throughout the 12 Days of Christmas. This handy guide has been specially prepared by The Daily Chrenk to help you keep Chris (Matthews, Hayes and Cillizza) in Christmas.
1.Check your “White Christmas” privilege. If it’s not OK to be white, it’s definitely not OK to have a “white Christmas”. What are you, some sort of an alt-right, neo-Nazi, Pepe the frog-avataring Trumpkin monster? Milk, for God’s sake, is a white supremacist dog whistle (“I am a critical race scholar and law professor at the University of Hawaii Richardson School of Law. In my law review article, The Unbearable Whiteness of Milk, I discuss the association between milk and white superiority.”), what do you think snow is? It’s white, it comes from the sky, and it discriminates by falling only on Aryan people.
2. You can celebrate “Resistmas”, by putting a famous woman, instead of an angel, on top of your Christ…, sorry, Resistmas tree:
The figurines are produced by Women To Look Up To. Hillary Clinton always looked like she had something stuck up her ass, so it might as well be a Christmas tree.
3. A famous woman as a Christmas three top ornament will go well with “vaginaments”.
In what is a spectacular celebration of the vagina, Etsy store Feltmelons sells hand-fashioned vulva baubles out of soft felt.
The unique store is the brainchild of Suzanne McAleenan, who handcrafts the colourful ornaments.
“Each vaginament is my own design, and each is endearingly cut, assembled, and entirely stitched by hand in my dining room in Burlington, Ontario, Canada,” she writes.
“No vaginaments are exactly the same…it’s all part of their charm.”
Just make sure that your naughty pussy doesn’t play with, ahem, pussy baubles.
4. When you are setting up a nativity scene, just think you’re making a statement about refugees.
It will make you feel all warm inside, as long as you disregard the following:
- Mary and Joseph were not refugees; they were not escaping the government, they were merely obeying the government and its pointless and inconveniencing census requirements.
- They travelled within their own country, amongst people of their own ethnicity and religion.
- There was no room at the inn. Not because the owner was a bigot, but because all the rooms were taken by other travellers in the same position as Mary and Joseph. To make room for them, the inn-keeper would have had to kick some other guests out, perhaps some other Mary and Joseph. And Mary, fortunately, wasn’t one of those people who throws her weight around (“Don’t you know who I am? The Mother of God, that’s who!”)
- You are confusing the Nativity with Mary, Joseph and the new-born Jesus escaping to Egypt to avoid the Slaughter of the Innocents by King Herod. Note that in this case, the Holy Family behaved like perfect refugees under the Refugee Convention: they sought refuge in the next neighbouring country where it was safe to do so, and once the threat passed they returned home. Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus did not turn up in Germany or Sweden, demanding permanent resettlement, and so Jesus did not end up preaching with a following of Gallic fishermen and getting crucified in Paris.
5. Make sure you buy non-gendererd or gender-neutral toys. Or be particularly subversive and buy all the boys (or children temporarily being identified as males) dolls, and all the girls (you get the drift) trucks (also please feel free to switch colours, so that boys get pink gifts and girls blue ones; that will show the patriarchy!). Internet will provide you with an abundance of useful suggestions, including “The Huffington Post”‘s “The Top Gender Stereotype Busting Toys”, including The Wonder Crew Buddies (“Call them dolls, call them action figures”; I call them role-fluid), “a toy that helps develop [children’s] emotional maturity, compassion and kindness.” Watch the Wonder Crew Buddies super heroes battle the evil guys, using their superpowers to kill them with kindness.
6. There are some other aspects of Christmas, which every progressive and socially aware person should be mindful of. Reconsider decorating your Christmas tree with a chain, lest it triggers your guests by its association with slavery. Remember that Santa Claus is a sexist figure that perpetuates gender stereotypes while appropriating the feminine qualities of nurturing and gift-giving (Mrs Claus stays home-imprisoned). Santa’s gift workshop sounds too much like a Third World sweatshop and elves like the developing world proletariat. Reindeers are majestic creatures, which should not be exploited as a means of transport (and how do we know that Santa is carbon neutral anyway?). “Naughty” and “nice” are outdated normative categories which the patriarcho-capitalist super-structure uses to repress and oppress the non-conforming “Other”. You get the drift.
7. While men whipping out their genitalia is a no-no (please note that as of this year this also applies to progressive politicians, media and entertainment figures, and all other male feminists), the legalisation of same-sex marriage in Australia this year, exceptionally justifies some penile Christmas cheer, including decorating a palm tree with Christmas lights, or a tasteful neon display.
Above all else, remember to have a safe and woke non-denominational, non-religious, non-offensive to the migrants holiday! Keep dreaming of the woke Christmas!