Guest post: I volunteer as the head (ahem) of the new Commonwealth anti-bonking body, by Karl Eaves

Chrenk’s note: In the Daily Chrenk’s not so long and not so illustrious history so far, this is the first guest post of what, hopefully, will be many more to come. Tonight’s inaugural contributor is Karl Eaves, a very old and a very good friend of mine, as well as a former housemate of nearly two decades ago, in a share house in a galaxy far far away, where a no-sex-ban would never have worked. 

As an accomplished public servant with a wealth of experience in implementation of strategic government reforms, I would like to nominate myself for responsibility for implementing Prime Minister Turnbull’s “Bonk Ban”.

It is clear the new regime will require a range of practical measures to ensure its compliance. I would like to start with unannounced random site audits of Minister’s suites and Canberra residences. Investigators would look for evidence of non-compliance, for example the presence of couple friendly pornography, marital aids, excessive personal lubricants and prophylactic devices. They could use ultraviolet lights to detect un-authorized human emissions.

Within Canberra residences, with partners visiting from time to time, the auditors would also need to closely interview and interrogate spouses to ensure that any found evidence of Ministerial copulation is clearly linked to authorized intercourse, and not unauthorized bonking with staff.

Hallway monitors should also patrol the corridors of the Ministerial wing during late sitting nights, sending a powerful message of deterrence to would-be intra and inter office fornicators. Perhaps they could use specially trained sniffer dogs to detect potential copulators.

We should also establish some prevention and early intervention measures. In this age of investment approaches, it makes sense to ensure that government funds are directed toward preventing the terrible scourge of Ministerial-staff bonking, instead of expensive crisis interventions like cigarettes and cuddling.

These might include proactive monitoring of Ministerial and staff email and social media. Those found engaging in risky and flirtatious behavior could be referred to libido counselling services.

There should also be constant IT monitoring of browsing habits, and random searches of phones and computers to ensure that Ministers and Staff are keeping their minds on the important work of government instead of fleshly enticements.

A series of cautionary materials could also be placed in high traffic areas of the House. Bob Katter wearing his patented “cow shit wiped under nose” sneer while choking the chicken in the back of a Comcar; re-imagined explicit CGI images of Gareth Evans and Cheryl Kernot practicing Kama Sutra positions, Julia Gillard and Craig Emerson reverse cowgirl, and Kevin Andrews… just because… Kevin Andrews.

Staff or Ministers concerned with problematic behaviours or feelings will also be encouraged to borrow Tony Abbot’s metal cilise to distract them from improper thoughts of shagging.

Popular nitespots in the Parliamentary triangle should also be patrolled by morality monitors, checking up on Ministers and staff to ensure that they are not over consuming at the end of a lengthy sitting week and putting themselves in moral peril of forbidden coitus.

Modern evidence also supports harm minimization strategies.
Safe “ejecting” rooms could also be established throughout Parliament House where distracted, sexually wrought individuals can safely “express” their personal needs into government funded tissues which could then be deposited into safe and hygenic disposal containers. These centres could also supply useful information on celibacy, the dangers of “dipping the pen in company ink” and other useful information materials.

I think there is also some additional policy work that is required here, and that this research should continue to try and identify the *root* cause of this terrible public policy conundrum. Why is *congress* in our Parliament late at night so prevalent? What workplace intercourse is leading to… well… workplace intercourse? Why isn’t hiding the salami something that only happens in the Staff Cafeteria? When did “cleaning the pipes” stop being something that the Aussie’s barrista does to keep the coffee machine running?

These are all critical public policy questions that deserve deflowering, I mean deconstructing.