Update to The Daily Chrenk Privacy Policy

human cyborg brain

Here at The Daily Chrenk we don’t collect any personal information about you. Furthermore, we don’t care about your personal information. We have no idea whether you’re male or female (if you’re reading this you are unlikely to be of one of the other 31 genders), young or old, black or white (which, by the way, technically aren’t colours) or anything in between; we don’t care about your educational attainment, marital status, income level or political persuasion (we can guess that last one in most cases, but we know TDC is read by people with all sorts of beliefs and we are delighted about that). And we really – can we double-underline that “really”? – don’t care about your eating or shopping habits; it’s like listening to fishing stories; as one of our old friends used to say, we would rather nail our collective scrotum to the doorway.

In fact, the only thing we do care about is that you enjoy reading the blog and keep coming back. But that’s up to us as much as it is up to you.

So no, we don’t have any of your info, and even if we had, we wouldn’t sell it to anyone. We also would not use it ourselves for some unrelated but nefarious purposes, but that’s mostly because we lack the sufficient imagination to come up with other, nefarious purposes to use your private data. If we had something good to market or sell to you we would probably be rich by now and therefore could afford to blog full time for the sheer pleasure of it, in which case we really wouldn’t need to market or sell anything to you to make that bit more money.

Rest assured that the only people who really know a lot about you are your governments, plus some other governments (not pointing any fingers, but pandas are pretty cute, aren’t they?), and as well all know, governments never misplace, misuse or abuse your private data. So you can sleep easily, and in the knowledge that there are people watching over you as you sleep – often literally.

If you don’t believe this Privacy Policy, and think that we are holding some of your private data, firstly, we resent the fact that you are calling us liars, and secondly, you should not have sent us those nude selfies in the first place (you know who you are, and if you don’t, that’s OK; must have been a big night and what you don’t know can’t hurt you. If this has promoted you to rethink your life choices, there is still time to send in those pics; the email is a_chrenkoff at hotmail dot com).

By way of background, the need for this update (and all the other ones you have been receiving from Facebook, Google, Uber, Pornhub and your local cafe) is that the European Union has introduced on Friday its new and strict General Data Protection Regulation, which, while applying only to its member states, has nevertheless prompted many American companies too to try to assure compliance. The new data regime abbreviates to GDPR, which sounds very close to GDR, or what the former East Germany was known as in the West, and boy, did East Germany know a thing or two about gathering personal data.

Anyway, we love you all.