Bah-humbug! Sorry people to snow on your parade (or should it be “sorry snowflakes to rain on your parade”) but there is something you should know about the supposedly jolly good fellow who brings you presents once a year: he is really a communist. Don’t believe me?
1. He’s an old Caucasian male with a white beard – just like Frederich Engels, Karl Marx, Lenin – or Jeremy Corbyn.
2. He wears all red. Enough said.
3. He lives on the North Pole, which is what people who don’t know much about geography call any remote, snow-covered place, like Siberia.
4. He oversees a workshop where elves manufacture toys, which is a nice euphemism for a sub-Arctic gulag camp, where political prisoners are slaving away doing forced labour (not unlike prisoners in China making charity Christmas cards for the UK market).
5. He knows whether you’ve been good or bad, but have you ever asked yourself how the old fellow does it? This is all too reminiscent of the mass surveillance combined with a “social credit score”, as practiced by (again) the Chinese communist government. Also, when the secret Santa archives finally become open one day in the future, you will discover that your family and friends have been snitching on you. Santa and Stasi – five letters, three of them in common. Coincidence? I think not.
6. He travels around the world to deliver the presents in 24 hours. Sure, we’ve heard those sorts of boasts before: the Stakhanovite Santa has fulfilled the quota by 450%. If Santa was in charge of agriculture, he would produce a record wheat harvest too, no doubt.
7. He arrives at night – just like the NKVD/KGB used to.
8. His famous laughter – “Ho Ho Ho” – is actually, if you gave him time to finish, the beginning of the old Vietnam War-era chant “Ho Ho Ho Chi Minh, Ho Chi Minh Is Gonna Win!”
9. He doesn’t exist – just like the “real socialism”.
10. And while you think you are getting stuff for free in your stocking or under the tree, it’s always somebody else – parents, the rich – who are actually paying for it.
So beware of this Marxist wolf in a saint’s clothes. Do not let him inside your house or near your kids, otherwise the latter will become free-loading socialists and never leave the former. Block the chimney, replace that milk and cookie with rat poison, and if you see a sleigh flying over your house, blast it away with whatever firearm you have in your possession. This Christmas remember: better dead than the man in red.