Girls Gone Wild on Brisbane Tinder, Part XIX: Farewell to 2020

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Warning: Adult themes, language and nudity

It’s somewhat ironic that having spent 99 per cent of my Tinder talk time defending the app from people who assume the worst about it, I undo all this good PR work in the other 1 per cent of the time it takes me to publish the latest instalment of “Girls Gone Wild on Brisbane Tinder”. The fact of the matter is that the overwhelming majority of Tinder users (bots excluded) are sincerely looking for love, relationship, dating or friendship. The “wildness” constitutes less than 1 per cent of all profiles, but it accounts for all the bad reputation that Tinder (and online dating in general) enjoy in popular imagination. So as you peruse this latest part of the series, do so with the familiar Occupy Wall Street refrain ringing in your head: we are the 99%. Even in a crazy year like 2020, things out there are mostly normal.

And now for the 1 per cent…

At the outset, let us demolish the preconception that men are always necessary for “going wild”. In the immortal words of Eurythmics, ladies are doing it for themselves, thank you very much.

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But having discounted one stereotype… the others are all true. Such as that size does matter.

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Farmer Tom no doubt will be very excited to have found his match.

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Looks like it’s not just cats that need to fear this big specimen – this massive cock can easily destroy an adult human.

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If you happen to be also drawn and quartered, you’re likely to be William “Braveheart” Wallace, and probably not in a position to superlike anything. Such is the luck of a Scot.

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So that’s long seaside walks, big dicks and fried cocks – presumably once Farmer Tom’s big friend no longer serves his purpose. Speaking of farmers, the rural life seems to be quite in vogue among the ladies:

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Other stereotype unfortunately true is that money can indeed buy you love (contra what the Beatles sang, even if their career aptly demonstrated otherwise):

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At least small roosters get a go too, thanks to the lovely rock climber and gold digger above.

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Russians have historically been able to accommodate lots of contradictory concepts at the same time, such as being both straight and bisexual. That aside, at least the mystery of the lost Romanovs have finally been solved – on Brisbane Tinder. They’re alive and after your eggplants.

But it’s not all cold and mercenary – and sizeist; a lot of the Tinder ladies are very giving. Including this 19-year-old who is willing to adjust her otherwise strict diet for the sake of her future boyfriend:

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Hey, first we have a princess, now we have a queen! Gentlemen, some great catches await you.

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From Russian Tsarinas and Hogwarts’ teachers to your average girls next door.

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Kudos for modesty and managing future expectations. But if your mum won’t like the young lady above, there is always another:

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They certainly won’t if you keep frothing up their stream.

Speaking of shit creeks without a paddle, farewell 2020 and may the next year not suck (unlike the few of the girls above).

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